I knew I was privileged because my parents did not unload their expectations on me. Nor did they decide for me. They always raised me in a way that I would be capable of making the right choices.
After a certain age it was me who was deciding which college I should go to. Which subjects I should choose. How to spend my time. Who to spend my time with.
Now I look at kids studying what they do not want, because their parents have already planned their life for them.
Parents who have decided what is best for their kids and the kids just working through it.
A year ago I would have frowned upon such thinking. But now looking at them and hearing their parents say that only makes me wish I had that. No matter how much I would have resented it I just cannot stop myself from getting emotional about it and wanting that.
I do not know what that says about me as a person, I feel like Fleabag when she said I want someone to tell me what to wear everyday, what to eat, what to like, what to rage about.
I do not think much about it because I do not want to judge myself after I have constantly imagined scenarios where I keep proving myself that yes I have love for me.
But have I become so emotionally deprived of love that I now want what 18 year old me who was so self assured and knew everything despised and stood against?
18 year old me was the smartest and most self assured version of myself, she knew what she wanted, she knew what she would want in the future, she did everything in accordance to her plan and she was making it work better than anyone else.
My 18 year old self would not recognise me now. She would quietly work harder than she did to achieve everything early because she would think I stopped existing after turning 23.
Athena- the goddess of wisdom and war. This name chose you for a reason (even if it's a pen name). As an 18 year old myself, I too decided my own career path without any interference from my parents. However just in my second year of college, I have that regret? somewhere that it was me who chose this. And honestly I feel like it would have been better if my parents chose for me. But hey what's done is done we gotta believe in the universe in the end right? Atleast im still clinging to that hope that it will all end well. I hope it does for you too because for it to pass you have to let it go through yourself. Feel. Even if they are negative emotions; accept them♡♡
It usually passes, and when it does, it will be replaced by something else because of the vacancy. And even when it doesn’t pass, we always have the option to accept it and move on.